A Harsh World chapter 3

A Harsh World chapter three


The unlucky life of one young unfortunate teenage girl


I had one of those dreams again.

Ireland. How I missed it. I dreamt I walked across the land, so green and full of life. Nature was everywhere, the call of danger echoing off cliff top to cliff top, the smell of damp soil making me shiver. Birds chirped down from the gray/blue sky, with a beautiful view of the white foam of the water below. Kneeling down, the grass was as soft as I remembered. My favorite picnic spot hadn't changed one little bit. Blueberry bushes lined the path which spiraled down to a white cottage covered in ivy. I picked one off the bush, fresh and ripe. It was just like summer. And it tasted so good. Not as good as my mama's cooking; nothing could taste as good as that. But it brought back so many memories which filled my eyes with tears. I missed every bit of Ireland, yes even the wet dreary weather and the cold. I yearned for that most of all.

Guys, I had come home.

The last time I had been here, I thought as my dream progressed, was two and a half years ago, the last day of my second year at college. Back then, I was so naïve, so happy and oh so innocent, with my plans for three years at college, and a Health and Social Care course at university. I'd lived such a great life before that point, even with my dear mama's disability. Even with the threat that I could come home to find her having a seizure on the floor, caused by nothing at all, we had the house set up with protective cushiony flooring and the walls lined with padding in case my mama banged her head on the way down, life was at such a high peak.

Heh, my thoughts went, I was dreaming about my last day at school wasn't I? And just as that thought popped into my head, the fog cleared to reveal the thing I longed for most of all. Up ahead was my college of three years, or more accurate, my second home. Tears unwillingly filled my eyes as I walked towards the old building, with its crumbly structure and wild ivy along the walls. Rain poured down as usual, disguising my tears too well to just be a coincidence. I knew what would be around the corner before I saw it, and the thought filled me with such unbelievable joy that I couldn't believe it would be true, even in my dreams. But true it was.

All of my old friends. My second family, there under our normal tree.

Calm down Caryl, it's only a dream. But I want it to be real. I miss them all so much. I missed mischievous Énno Nicol and his devil grin, who was climbing the tree as he normally was. How he made me laugh. I missed Siobhan Morna, the ultimate girl, whose skills ran in the hair and beauty department. She was always such a flirt, and her way with the boys at the school had always amazed me. She was there right now, under the tree with Sinéad Bébinn, her phone out. She was probably using it as a mirror. Ah, dear Sinéad, she was so shy when we first met, was now talking like no tomorrow. She was always so smart. She was always so wise. I wonder what she does sometimes, if she above all of the others has made something of herself. Sorley Finley was sitting, playing his guitar under the tree, singing to the others, while Stephanie Powell lay on his lap. I smiled, remembering how they were always close, and wondering if they ever did get together. The tears that long ago formed in my eyes fell at the thought that I would never be able to see my dear friends again.

But this was a dream. So where was he?

I walked forward, savoring every moment, knowing that soon I would wake up. Tilting my head back, I tried to catch the rain still falling in my mouth. That was until I heard a chorus of yells. It was time to talk to my friends once again.

This sweet dream I always had was recurring way too much recently, especially since how I'm being treated recently. Always the same chatter. Exams. Holidays. Universities. Did I at this point realize what was going to be my future? Oh no, of course not. That happened so suddenly that I had no time to even prepare. I had been accepted at 3 of my five chosen universities on conditional offers, and one on interview basis. Yet all of them, abandoned. And all for my beloved family. Bitter? Perhaps, but certainly not at my family. Nevertheless I sat there and treasured the seconds that I spent with those that still hold a spot in my heart. I smiled and nodded and laughed along with the rest. I touched shoulders, arms, hands. I gave hugs, received kisses on cheeks, and amidst all this, I broke down sobbing in happiness and sadness combined.

And the dream progressed, as dreams do. Faces of people whose escaped me hovered by, my eyes scanning the ground for a familiar and unique shade of brown. I smiled at everyone, heart breaking that I couldn't have this chaos in reality. You don't realize how lucky you are until you've lost everything. But still, he wasn't there. Searching and searching, knowing time was limited and I couldn't find him. Had I forgotten what he'd looked like? Had that last memory been disfigured enough that the one precious thing inside it had been erased?

Suddenly, everything went black.
That's it. It's over. I've lost him.

"Caryl, you could never, ever lose me." A voice whispered in my ear.

Had I said that out loud? I wasn't aware. But then again, for those moments, I couldn't remember much anyways. Because it was his hands covering my eyes in a joking way, and I could hear the playful smile in his voice. And I couldn't believe it. I knew it was a dream, and I knew I was giving my hopes up on something I could never EVER have again, but I couldn't help it. Even without seeing him, I felt those emotions that stirred when I first met him. The emotions that I've felt for him since I was twelve. A connection that ran through anything. Butterflies and heartbeats. The will to do anything just to make him happy. And I didn't care he had knocked my glasses down my nose a fraction lower, because he was the one that did it!!

He moved his hands and I looked at him. I really looked at him. I hadn't dreamt about you in quite a while, my love. Now, I wanted to make the most of it. Everything that I had felt before I saw him was unimportant and insignificant compared to the intensity of the emotions I felt now.

"I'll always be a part of you. I'll always be in your heart no matter what."

The way he held me in his arms made me feel safe, like I could never be touched. His eyes sparkled with so much happiness hat his face couldn't contain it. His grin could almost split his whole face in two. God was he beautiful. I reached out and touched his solid warm face, and he stroked my cheek with his fingertips so gently it was as if he was scared of hurting me. He adjusted her glasses and pulled her head forward just a fraction to kiss her forehead.

"I will always love you, my precious Rose."

But everything was blurring and I knew that I was waking up, to my dismay. I didn't want to go back, not to that Hell, not yet!!

"I miss you so much. I love you, don't leave me!" I said, hugging him with tears in my eyes, but it was like trying to hold water, and the memories were slipping through my fingers. I stepped back and tooked at his deep eyes, tears blurring my vision. He chuckled and opened his mouth.

"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?!"

But that wasn't his voice…

"Get up!! Get out of bed this INSTANT!!

And then I was drowning, really drowning. The darkness was a liquid inside me, filling my lungs like a poisonous gas. It was pulling me down, down into sweet sweet oblivion. I tried to draw breaths but it was useless. After all that I'd lost, finally, I was ready to embrace death and its emptiness…



***************************


I opened my eyes.

She was there.

"So this is what you've been doing all this time? My father does not pay you to doss around when you are meant to be serving ME!!"

Vision was blurred temporarily, so I wiped my eyes and found that my face was covered in water. Seeing the bucket in her hand, it didn't take long to piece two and two together.

"Are you even listening to me? I KNEW you were no good!! You're nothing but a stupid lazy skivvy!! ANSWER ME!!"

After a while, the noise becomes a distant buzz, especially first thing in the morning. I glanced at the cheap wall clock with its shattered glass. Of course I'd overslept, but it was only by half an hour. And it wasn't my fault, honest it wasn't.

"Yes Miss"

"That's better, I guess. Now I expect you to be washed and dressed within the next fifteen minutes to make up for lost time. And as punishment…" she paused with a wicked glint in her eye that I had quickly learned to detest. "I think you should clean my room and en suite bathroom from top to bottom to MY standard. That's as well as your normal washing, ironing and sewing morning chores. Do I make my self clear?"

Sighing, I answered as I sat up to the edge of my bed. "Yes, ok."

"I beg you pardon?!"

"Sorry, Miss. Yes Miss"

"Better." She stood there for a couple of seconds, analyzing what she probably saw as a frail, skinny, filthy creature taking old pajama bottoms off before leaving. Figures, she wouldn't ever bother getting to know me. As I attempted to pull my top over the head, I experienced a sharp bang to the head. The pain was just about bearable, but none the less not a pleasurable thing to experience first thing in the morning. Gently pulling the top over my head, I clutched it and grimaced, noticing one of my shoes was now on my bed. Yeah, great way to add insult to injury.

I didn't even realize that part of the liquid on my face came from me until I finally had the strength mentally and physically drag my body to the mirror on my wall. I wasn't vain approximately 3 years ago, and I definitely wouldn't have the right to be so now. The mirror was there purely to remind me each day what I once was, and to prove that I was alive, no matter how low I felt. At the moment, tears were pouring down my dirt soaked face, and I took this rare moment of peace to break down over the dirty ink, resting my forehead against my cool reflection and letting my hair cover my eyes, so I didn't have to see the weakness.

I'd dreamt about him.

Even now it hurt. My heart was ripped out, savagely torn apart so many years ago. Remembering everything happy in my life may be a bittersweet nostalgia, but on some das, I can't help but prefer the nightmares. The ones of my Mama collapsing on the floor and going into hospital, of my Papa dying tying to earn a wage to support my family. Of Ms Elizabeth Gardiner constantly physically abusing me in her company.
Tears ran dry, and I finally had the courage to look at myself in the mirror again. Wiping my eyes, I noticed they were red swollen from the tears. But there was no use of crying anymore anyways. Hope had long been lost.

My name is Caryl Rose, and I was the servant of a middle class daughter. This was my life now.

The equivalent of a shower for our kind was a tap that was slightly higher than me. There wasn't any hot water. This was a luxury we couldn't have. One thing though, there was nothing that woke you up harsh and quickly like stone cold water in the early hours of a spring morning. When I had first arrived, it was midwinter, and the cold water had ripped through my soft skin like a sharp knife, causing a scream to erupt from inside of me. Now, it was little more than a degree higher in temperature, but my body was so used to it that I didn't bat an eyelid.

All that I could think about now, as I let the water rush down on me, was how I had gotten myself into this situation. How did I get from that precious last day at my college two and a half years ago to the pitiful life I had now?

Well it was simple really. Mama had seven kids before Papa died, including me. Yes, they did have a very loving relationship. I was the second oldest, with my older brother working as a butcher in the local market back in Ireland. He'd worked at that place for many years, even before pappy had died. Mama could never work, because her epileptic fits meant that she was technically disabled. Life was tough on us all. I tried not to think how tough as I grabbed the cheap soap and cloth to wash my body thoroughly with the limited time I had. Once pappy had died though, it was much harder. We hadn't even come close to finishing grieving before we realized that we couldn't afford the roof over our heads. Not only that, but with mom expecting the twins, my two youngest sisters, things were on the down.

This job seemed like a Godsend two and a half years ago. Imagine how lucky I thought I was when I saw half of a newspaper on the floor as I went to get my mama's groceries with the few pounds we could scrape together. I picked it up for something to read on the way back, and there it was. To this day I remember what the advert said.


Cleaner wanted
Previous experience not necessary but preferred
Must have enthusiasm for cleanliness
Must be flexible 24/7
Job position held in Northern London
Full time– food and accommodation provided
Exceeds national minimum wage
To apply, hand in a written CV to Mrs Gardiner


Our house had been overcrowded by this point, so I couldn't really live there anymore. Papa had been the main breadwinner in our house, and before I left, all mother had was her disability claim, not nearly enough to support all of the hungry mouths. This job allowed me to earn money by doing my job and have a place to live, which was a win-win situation. With this in mind, there was no doubt that this job was made for me! And once I applied I was able to give 75% of my wages to my mama and the twins were able to share my window, making more room in the house for the family to live in.

If I'd have known the way the family would have treated me then, would I have applied for the job?

Probably, but only for my mother.

When I was sure I was clean enough to go through the day, I rubbed soap in my hair as an equivalent to shampoo, and then rinsed it out quick, ready to start the day. I turned off the tap, making sure no water was dripping out, then got dressed as I looked around the pitiful 'accommodation'. The stone floor was uncarpeted, with water and dirt everywhere. The mattress was on the floor, with a feeble towel covering it in replacement of a blanket, and old clothes with holes in as a pillow. Since we weren't provided with a wardrobe or equivalent, we had to fold our clothes on the soaking floor. Nothing near as homey as my mama's place, but that was good, because that meant I couldn't physically be homesick. And that would be all I needed here.

A voice came from downstairs. "I do NOT hear the sound of washing from up there!!"

I sighed. I have to live like this, I told myself.
This was my future after all.